amsterdam

i spent yesterday in amsterdam. as soon as i found that there wouldn't be an organized trip to visit the city, i began making plans to go myself. i even found 3 friends, jeremy, jeff, and rebecca, to come with me. we got someone to drive us to the train station and pick us up. and figured out costs and how to pay and all that jazz. it was a 2 hr train ride, so we made it downtown by about 10:30am. after grabbing a map, we just set off down a street. everything was narrow and old. i was excited to be in a city and with friends. then we passed our first hooker. we had wandered into the beginning of the red light district, so we headed back another way.
our first stop was a historical museum that had old paintings and household items. it told how the city grew and showed a lot of cool items like swords, shoes, tobacco pipes, and porcelain. then we got lunch at a little local bistro.
i had talked to an aussie girl who had gone to amsterdam before the conference, and she'd gone on a free tour of the red light district, so we tried to find it. but found out we'd missed the tour times. so we decided to just walk it for ourselves. the city was pretty empty when we first got there, but by early afternoon it was filling up fast. houses were so tiny and narrow. many of them look to only be one room wide, but go four stories up. it was sad walking down a canal that divided to the main streets of the red light district because there really was a heaviness and darkness. every store was a sexstore, and most buildings had curtains that covered the windows where later that evening the working girls would stand. even in the early afternoon girls were standing near places that were open during the day. just standing by windows and doorways in their underwear. i wondered how so many girls ended up in this place. i would have liked to talk to them, find out their stories and understand why. but maybe they don't know why either.
so we walked into a more modern area and then found a cafe and sat. jeff and i took pictures of strangers walking by. it was relaxing and really enjoyable.
then we walked back through the city. by this time all of the bars, cafes and restaurants in the red light district were filled with men and women sitting and waiting for the show to begin. more girls were in the windows and doorways and the atmostphere was no longer relaxed. we found a nice restaurant away from the sexshops and ate dinner. then moved to a bar where we had some last drinks before we sign anything saying we won't anymore.
we had about 9 hrs in the city and then another 2 hr trip home. Our ride wasn't there to pick us up when we arrived, but we used a guys cellphone and called to get picked up. it was an incredible day, but i was exhausted. the four of us decided that we need to tour more cities around the world together, so i'm hoping i've found some touring, walking, photographing friends to travel with me.

pictures of amsterdam are here if you're interested
also, leave comments:

Amsterdam

beginning of conference

another country entered, another step towards my next two years, another whole new experience. monday evening i flew from vienna to amsterdam. i had to spend the night in the airport because my flight got delayed and i didn't want to try and find a youth hostel in amsterdam around midnight by myself. so i slept on this giant red and white checkered shelf thing that had four different sides to it. I had a section to myself, but couldn't sleep much. i've never seen an airport be that busy all night long. no matter when i woke up and looked around, there were always people moving somewhere.
then tuesday i got picked up with a group and driven to a hotel out in the fields of holland where the GO conference is being held. now that my roomates are all here i am sharing a tiny room with an american living in england, a german and a dutchie.
every day is jam packed. meetings. prayer. fellowship. worship. training. information. meals. and more meetings. they have us in different groups for where we are going, where we are coming from and another group mixed random. so different events or meetings are with those groups. then other times it's everyone together.
it's hugely international. i think just today i've spoken to an aussie, lots of germans, a scott, a belgian, americans, a serb, some asians, an irish, and probably a whole lot more that i can't think of. it's a great feeling to be surrounded by so much variety. and i've been able to use my german and brush up on that. i like this kind of outwards focus on the world settings. everyone cares about their home country, so you get to talk about a lot of different places and hear about them.
9 days left of the conference and then it's off to australia for more ship specific training. we'll see what else comes my way.

babysteps

this entire summer has been a series and sequence of baby steps. baby steps from graduation to actually leaving Taylor. babysteps from nannying to realizing i'm not ready for kids. babysteps from settling in Michigan to a roadtrip weekend all the way down to Atlanta. babysteps from leaving America to being home. babysteps from enjoying wien to being on a family vacation. and now the final babystep is to leave home. besides actually packing my stuff in my bag, there's not much between me and that step. it just doesn't feel so little. i can't help but feel the enormity of what i'm doing: leaving home for two years. leaving friends, family, familarity. leaving it for i'm not quite sure what. to travel the world on a ship yes, but what does that even mean. sure i get to see places like australia, east timor, singapore, malaysia, cambodia, and myanmar. but will i really see them. will they teach me something. will i change. will i affect them. i've got to hope and believe that there is more to it, than just seeing the world. so i continue taking my babysteps looking only just ahead one step at a time.

toddler's walk

i took a walk yesterday. it was at a toddler's pace, which was 2 1/2 blocks in 25 minutes. for most of it i held the sweaty hand of the 2 1/2 year old that i was babysitting. i also carried a doll stroller for about a block when the gravel road didn't allow for pushing it. i decided that i really enjoyed the pace. no, we didn't go far. and we didn't really see very much. but several rocks attracted her attention. and when a neighbors dog came out i carried her and the stroller. and it was beautiful weather. and she really enjoyed it. i decided to take lots of walks with my kids. and although this summer of nannying and living in a house with a 2 1/2 year old have taught me that i am nowhere close to being ready to have kids, the walk with her made me excited to one day be responsible for planning days for my own kids. i hope that when i do have kids i'll remember to go slow; to walk at the pace that kids do; to let them dawdle.
in other news, a week from today i will by flying out of atlanta to wien. my bags are almost completely packed, i have bought almost everything that i need, and i am almost ready to leave. lots of almosts. :)

backpack and stuff

i bought my travel device today. it is an REI backpack that holds 75Liters. Without anything in it it weighs 5 lbs and 11 oz. It has 5 compartments. It fits comfortably, but i haven't had to walk very far with a lot of weight in it. also i've become the owner of Teva sandals that have traveled to Israel already. the gear makes me feel a little more prepared, but only a little. considering i still have to pack everything, visit 4 different countries and travel on at least 7 different airplanes before i'm on the ship, it will be a while before i'm actually settled.
walking through a store today i couldn't help glancing around at housey items and wondering when i'll finally have a house that i can make into a home. not that i really know where i would settle down, but it's also unsettling wondering if i ever will. if i have a house, where will be? not just what state, but what country? meh. i know i've got a while before i have to worry about all that.

weekend

two weeks from today i will have left the states for the last time in two years. i will have landed in vienna, austria for a two week vacation with my family.
hopefully by then all of the things i have to get done will be. i continue to add to and cross off from my to do list. on the agenda tomorrow is buying the backpack that will serve as the only suitcase i take with me on my 2 year adventure. i've been getting a lot of little things done. mailing letters, buying different items that i'll need, emailing different people, and making lots of mental check lists about packing. it's hard trying to decide what to bring when i only get a backpack that holds 75 Liters.
this past weekend was probably the most fun one of the summer. saturday i got up early and went shopping at two different thrift stores; then i met up with christy and we spent a couple hours walking around an ann arbor art fair. it was absolutely beautiful. especially the photography booths. it really made me want to travel and take pictures. good thing i get to travel. now all i need is for my photography skills to be stunning. it was also great to share a lot of similar concerns with a friend who is also going to be living abroad. then sunday i drove down to northern indiana to visit sarah. i spent less than 20 hrs there, but it was good, and worth it. we talked a lot, but also got to do fun things like play football and go to applebees. and i got to meet a lot of her friends. it was great closure. a mixture of fun and good conversations. so all in all the weekends was exactly what i needed.

2 yrs

some days i feel the urgency of the fact that one month from today i will have left the United States for 2 years. on those days i realize how much i still have to do in those short 31 days. i am painfully aware that i won't get to see any of my friends for a long time. i consider the fact that once again i will be at a very new beginning with very little familiar to orient myself by.
on other days all of those things seem very distant. the only thing i think about is whether i'm actually making enough money working this summer to be able to stand up on my own feet after the 2 years with OM. and why i have to take my eyebrow ring out to work at a Blockbuster. and when or if my friends will call today. and whether i really need a new pair of shorts just because the whole in the back of mine is now showing underwear.
but really, all those things, that might normally seem so distant from my other worries, aren't really that unrelated. because i'm worried about money after 2 yrs and i have to take my eyebrow piercing out for 2 yrs anyways and my friends won't be calling for 2 yrs and i do need a new pair of shorts because i won't be buying any for 2 yrs.
so it seems like no matter what i think about it's related to 2 yrs. the next 2 yrs.
after that, well i don't think about that at all. no really. not at all.

use of time

i had sunday and monday off this week. and i didn't leave the house once. it's not just a matter of not wanting to spend money on gas, or not having friends in the area. i didn't even try and think of things to do. i knew i wanted to sleep in, but i squandered the days away doing that and watching movies. yesterday was the european cup final soccer game and i didn't even consider going anywhere to watch it. maybe it's okay for me to do this now, when i'm young and can be irresponsible. besides working i have no demands on me. it's such a strange feeling. even if i wanted to i couldn't be on the go all the time.
what will the rest of my life look like? what if i hold myself back, refuse to get involved in what's around me, am afraid to do things alone. i work now because i need to the money, but i hate the idea of working simply to make money. i want to love what i do. but i don't love doing anything more than i love people. so i need a job that involves people. but that doesn't exclude much. how do i find something that i want to continue doing? what is it that i want to do? i'm jealous of people who are certain of what they want to pursue. i wish i had more direction in my life.
there's so much i could do. i have mediocre abilities to do a lot of things, but not enough pull in one direction to pursue one option. i'm afraid of wasting my life; of not using what i do enjoy in a good way. i want to be able to involve all of my interests: photography, filming, writing, missions, traveling, people, reading, and so much more. it's just the problem of finding out how to do that.

beginning

knowing me, who knows how consistent i will be in keeping up with a blog. i know a lot of people who are good at it, i'm just not one of them. so i apologize now.
with that out of the way, i'm hoping this blog will be an easier way for you to keep track of me. if you are reading this i assume it is because my monthly mass emails aren't enough info to satisfy your missing me.
and this blog is just one beginning in a long series. over the next few weeks i will be facing beginnings that include my first real out of college job, an adventure that is mostly uncertain and unknown, and traveling for at least the next two years. maybe luckily for me there are a lot of steps between today and those beginnings.
as of august 18 i will be an official member of OM. i will be in holland for two weeks of training. then i will fly to australia for another two weeks of training. so as of the beginning of september i will be living on a ship and working.

if you need more info about OM go to this link
http://www.ships.de/
if you need my ship port schedule go here http://www.doulos.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=704&Itemid=254
if you need to give any monetary gifts to be go here
http://www.usa.om.org/give.htm