running without breaking a sweat

i like to run. no, not physically - but socially i like to go at a running pace. to say i like to stay busy, might be an understatement. i think if i'd grown up with the desire to work something specific, i'd have chosen something time consuming like law or medicine. i'd work until i drop. i'd invest my all, then sleep an hour, and give more. so it doesn't surprise me much that that's how i want to do ministry. i want something that fills my time. that requires constant maneuvering of schedules to fit in as much as possible. i want something that demands my attention because it's important. my dream job, at least for now, is something that will require me to rely so heavily on God that I can't do anything else but fall into his arms every morning. right now, i get to stroll to work. if i'm late, no one notices, cause most days i'm the first in my office area. while there are stressful days with deadlines, they are too far and few between. i want to jump out of my comfort zone. i want to be challenged every day. i have so much passion, so much energy, so much excitement and i want to spend it. without something to spend it on, the passion, the energy, the excitement evaporate. i'm not really sure where they go, but they take my desire to buy groceries, do laundry, make a phone call, or respond to an email with them. i'm not good at setting schedules for myself unless there is so little time that i'm forced to crunch everything and meet it on a run. which, is why i say i like running.

oh quiet town of Mosbach

i've been in mosbach a full month and one day. and just like i like to, i've kept busy. i'd always imagined the time after my ships experience to be, well to be honest i thought it'd be pretty horrible. to say i loved ships life is an understatement. so i could only conclude that anything post-Doulos would be a dissapointment. but that's not the word i would use to describe my time in mosbach at all. not only did i get to spend three full weeks with three of my closest friends, i survived when they all went back home.
i've never been good with silence. as a kid i'm pretty sure i just tried to make more noise the quieter it got around me. random noises, long conversations, reading stories (out loud of course), talking to myself (when i was upset and thought no one else was around) and dramatically acting out stories in my backyard with friends were all ways i fought the silence. at the time i didnt think i was wrong to do those things; and i still dont think i was wrong. but i have learned that i can also enjoy a photowalk by myself. i refuse to take my ipod, because i might hear something i want to take a picture of. i refuse to take someone with me, because i dont want to have to worry about walking too slowly or being a dork for taking a picture of another textured wall. i choose to be alone.
i'm still filling my time here in mosbach. for one day i planned to visit two different friends' homes, go to the movies with another two friends, spend quality time with another friend, and amidst all of this i made time to take my photowalk. as i was walking back to where i've been sleeping, i realized that if i hadn't filled my day with other places to go and be, that i probably wouldn't have gone on the photowalk either. i would have felt demotivated or sad. and i would have wasted the beautiful day that it was.
the busier i am, the more i get done. maybe that's a 'duh' statement, but for me it rings so true. give me a day with nothing planned, no pressing deadlines, no demanding tasks and i waste it away watching tv or movies, sleeping in or bumming on the internet. but give me a day where i'm supposed to be in three places at once and juggle multitasking to get things done, and i'll do it. and then some. i'll stay up till 1am to talk to a friend. i'll get up at 6am to talk to a friend. i'll spend more time reading my bible. and more time journaling. i'll stay up late reading a good book. i'll take time to appreciate a moment of silence.
i just never thought i'd be able to keep busy in a small town like mosbach, but i guess i'm learning otherwise. thankfully.

a very long time ago i was hesitant to start this blog in the first place because of this very reason. that i would simply fail at maintaining it. and i have. obviously, blatantly, and sadly enough. and once i fail at something i try to avoid it. i don't want the reminder of what i've done poorly. yet for some reason after 584 days of silence i am speaking again. maybe not because i have something heroic, dramatic, or insightful to share, but because i don't want to be afraid of my misakes anymore. and an empty, long ago started blog is a mistake. not a big one or a life changing one, but a sad one. but rather than let that stop me i am moving forward. today is a new start. today is a new beginning. how can i believe this if i don't act on it?

so no, i am not a failure despite my mistakes. because while i have failed at maintaining this blog i have succeeded in so much more during those same 584 filled-with-adventure days.

-i have travled to unknown places, including 10 new countries, 2 new continents, and countless cities.

- i have met amazing people from around the world and built lasting friendships

- i have sailed on a ship with a crew of 350 people on a ship that is 95 years old

- i have not been afraid to try foreign foods, including kangaroo, dog, balut, spider, beetle, cockroach, mangoseed, and countless other items

- i have read through nearly the entire bible (and i plan to finish in the next few weeks)

- i have overcome my fear of heights several times, even if only for a moment

- i have worked with wirebrushes, featherers, hammers, ropes, wood, rust, metal, knots, dirt, anchors, mooring lines, bosun chairs, paint, scrapers, tanks, crawl spaces, cement, and other items most of which were new challenges for me

- i have kept in touch with the people that were important to me; even when it proved very difficult to do

- i have made mistakes, friends, adventures, meals, presents, and lots of random fun

- the most important thing i have done is learn so much more about myself, my faith, my past, my strengths, my ambitions, my motives, and what is important to me

and right now, continuing with this blog is important to me. so here's to new beginnings.

amsterdam

i spent yesterday in amsterdam. as soon as i found that there wouldn't be an organized trip to visit the city, i began making plans to go myself. i even found 3 friends, jeremy, jeff, and rebecca, to come with me. we got someone to drive us to the train station and pick us up. and figured out costs and how to pay and all that jazz. it was a 2 hr train ride, so we made it downtown by about 10:30am. after grabbing a map, we just set off down a street. everything was narrow and old. i was excited to be in a city and with friends. then we passed our first hooker. we had wandered into the beginning of the red light district, so we headed back another way.
our first stop was a historical museum that had old paintings and household items. it told how the city grew and showed a lot of cool items like swords, shoes, tobacco pipes, and porcelain. then we got lunch at a little local bistro.
i had talked to an aussie girl who had gone to amsterdam before the conference, and she'd gone on a free tour of the red light district, so we tried to find it. but found out we'd missed the tour times. so we decided to just walk it for ourselves. the city was pretty empty when we first got there, but by early afternoon it was filling up fast. houses were so tiny and narrow. many of them look to only be one room wide, but go four stories up. it was sad walking down a canal that divided to the main streets of the red light district because there really was a heaviness and darkness. every store was a sexstore, and most buildings had curtains that covered the windows where later that evening the working girls would stand. even in the early afternoon girls were standing near places that were open during the day. just standing by windows and doorways in their underwear. i wondered how so many girls ended up in this place. i would have liked to talk to them, find out their stories and understand why. but maybe they don't know why either.
so we walked into a more modern area and then found a cafe and sat. jeff and i took pictures of strangers walking by. it was relaxing and really enjoyable.
then we walked back through the city. by this time all of the bars, cafes and restaurants in the red light district were filled with men and women sitting and waiting for the show to begin. more girls were in the windows and doorways and the atmostphere was no longer relaxed. we found a nice restaurant away from the sexshops and ate dinner. then moved to a bar where we had some last drinks before we sign anything saying we won't anymore.
we had about 9 hrs in the city and then another 2 hr trip home. Our ride wasn't there to pick us up when we arrived, but we used a guys cellphone and called to get picked up. it was an incredible day, but i was exhausted. the four of us decided that we need to tour more cities around the world together, so i'm hoping i've found some touring, walking, photographing friends to travel with me.

pictures of amsterdam are here if you're interested
also, leave comments:

Amsterdam

beginning of conference

another country entered, another step towards my next two years, another whole new experience. monday evening i flew from vienna to amsterdam. i had to spend the night in the airport because my flight got delayed and i didn't want to try and find a youth hostel in amsterdam around midnight by myself. so i slept on this giant red and white checkered shelf thing that had four different sides to it. I had a section to myself, but couldn't sleep much. i've never seen an airport be that busy all night long. no matter when i woke up and looked around, there were always people moving somewhere.
then tuesday i got picked up with a group and driven to a hotel out in the fields of holland where the GO conference is being held. now that my roomates are all here i am sharing a tiny room with an american living in england, a german and a dutchie.
every day is jam packed. meetings. prayer. fellowship. worship. training. information. meals. and more meetings. they have us in different groups for where we are going, where we are coming from and another group mixed random. so different events or meetings are with those groups. then other times it's everyone together.
it's hugely international. i think just today i've spoken to an aussie, lots of germans, a scott, a belgian, americans, a serb, some asians, an irish, and probably a whole lot more that i can't think of. it's a great feeling to be surrounded by so much variety. and i've been able to use my german and brush up on that. i like this kind of outwards focus on the world settings. everyone cares about their home country, so you get to talk about a lot of different places and hear about them.
9 days left of the conference and then it's off to australia for more ship specific training. we'll see what else comes my way.

babysteps

this entire summer has been a series and sequence of baby steps. baby steps from graduation to actually leaving Taylor. babysteps from nannying to realizing i'm not ready for kids. babysteps from settling in Michigan to a roadtrip weekend all the way down to Atlanta. babysteps from leaving America to being home. babysteps from enjoying wien to being on a family vacation. and now the final babystep is to leave home. besides actually packing my stuff in my bag, there's not much between me and that step. it just doesn't feel so little. i can't help but feel the enormity of what i'm doing: leaving home for two years. leaving friends, family, familarity. leaving it for i'm not quite sure what. to travel the world on a ship yes, but what does that even mean. sure i get to see places like australia, east timor, singapore, malaysia, cambodia, and myanmar. but will i really see them. will they teach me something. will i change. will i affect them. i've got to hope and believe that there is more to it, than just seeing the world. so i continue taking my babysteps looking only just ahead one step at a time.

toddler's walk

i took a walk yesterday. it was at a toddler's pace, which was 2 1/2 blocks in 25 minutes. for most of it i held the sweaty hand of the 2 1/2 year old that i was babysitting. i also carried a doll stroller for about a block when the gravel road didn't allow for pushing it. i decided that i really enjoyed the pace. no, we didn't go far. and we didn't really see very much. but several rocks attracted her attention. and when a neighbors dog came out i carried her and the stroller. and it was beautiful weather. and she really enjoyed it. i decided to take lots of walks with my kids. and although this summer of nannying and living in a house with a 2 1/2 year old have taught me that i am nowhere close to being ready to have kids, the walk with her made me excited to one day be responsible for planning days for my own kids. i hope that when i do have kids i'll remember to go slow; to walk at the pace that kids do; to let them dawdle.
in other news, a week from today i will by flying out of atlanta to wien. my bags are almost completely packed, i have bought almost everything that i need, and i am almost ready to leave. lots of almosts. :)